By Toni Coleman, LCSW

When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?

Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably.

Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.

It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.

Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.

In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.

There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.

1. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you aren't happy. Too often, relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames the partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take. This is with the exception of domestic abuse.


2. Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the differences between yourself and your partner. Do not expect your partner to agree with you on every issue. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time or call if you absolutely must be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.


3. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can choose to be right or to have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
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The 2010 edition of the State of Our Unions report was released today by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values.

New data indicate that trends in non-marital childbearing, divorce and marital quality in Middle America increasingly resemble those of the poor, many of whose marriages are fragile. However, among the highly educated and affluent, marriage is stable and appears to be getting even stronger – yet more evidence of America's "marriage gap."

The report is the first to address the causes of the observed retreat from marriage in Middle America. It finds that shifts in marriage attitudes, increases in unemployment and declines in religious attendance are among the trends driving the retreat.

In a striking reversal of historic trends, highly educated Americans are embracing a pro-marriage mindset even as Middle Americans are losing faith in marriage.

To download the PDF version of the eBook, visit: http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_12_10.pdf

Article courtesy of: The National Marriage Project, University of Virginia  (http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/)

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